Lamentation

a psalm of Lamentation written in march of 2008


Lamentation

Do not expect me 
to love you
or
the world we have created
together.

I: 
because I cannot erase
that which I have done
I cannot dry a single tear 
I cannot heal a single wound
I cannot make whole even one broken heart

you: 
because you will not let me
forget what I have done.
those sins of long ago 
are still before your eyes
as if I were doing them now
this moment.
again.
and again
and yet again.


you who do not know me
you judge me 
for what is long past.
I who know myself too well
I judge myself
for what I can never be.

Today
I fear to lift the fallen
and therefore I can not
you make me hate myself
I must ever keep a weary eye open
for the hand that seeks to smite me 
for the person I once was.
Now there are places I cannot go.
People I cannot see
People I cannot touch
or even be.

You don't realize 
how many times 
I wish I had gone 
down the shadowed road 
never to return:
never to feel the pricks 
of your thousand vicious needles
never to know the price 
for sins that cannot be repaid
in your eyes
never to have 
your mortal retribution 
visit me
again.
and again
and yet again.

Why didn't you understand?
Why didn't you give me justice?
Why didn't you just kill me?

You have no answers 
for me
only more pain
more sorrow
more burdens

some day I will lay it all down.
some day the warm earth will take 
my cold remains
what difference then?
what will you have accomplished?


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Some days are better than others. This one. the one you call today-- today is not so good.